Sunday, May 29, 2011
That said, I have had some low points. I think one of the hardest things for me growing up was always being single. Yeah, it's not the WORST problem to have in life, I know, but still. True, there had been guys who'd wanted to "be my boyfriend" and I went on dates and everything, but after my "boyfriend" in middle school I was single for almost 7 years. That's a pretty hard thing to deal with psychologically while watching all your friends date and get asked to dances, etc. For me, this was also made worse by the fact that I was overweight and didn't feel "pretty." I figured it was my own fault that no boys wanted to date me because "Who'd want to date a chunky girl?" I recognize now that my own perceptions of my body and negative self talk led me to project a negative image of myself... So, really, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. But, that said, every time I'd try (unsuccessfully) to lose weight and fail, it just because all that more devastating because I'd managed to convince myself that keeping the weight on meant being alone and unattractive.
I was so convinced that I'd always be alone that I even came up with back-up plans to fulfill all my other life dreams. If I couldn't control meeting someone and having that dream, then everything else that I could control became a priority. My big dream of being a professor comes from that. Not that I don't still want to (or plan on) someday being a professor, but, back in the day, I figured if all I was going to have was my career than I'd better make it a good one. I even made a pact with myself that if I turned 35 (or whatever age I deemed worthy) and was still alone that I'd adopt a baby. I've always wanted to be a mom more than anything and the idea of not being able to have my own kids was killer. As someone who's always been so career-minded and academically successful when I put my mind to it, the fact that we have no control over who/when we meet Mr. Right drove me crazy... mostly because I figured he didn't exist. Or, if he did, I'd miss him due to my weight.
I recognize now that I was wrong. Because I made weight the issue and because I was unhappy with myself and how I looked, there was no way I was ready to be in a relationship. I didn't "attract" guys not because I was overweight, unattractive, uninteresting, or unworthy, but because I didn't put myself out there, I didn't think I was worthy of a relationship, and I didn't put out ANY positive vibes about myself. Who's going to be attracted to that? But, no amount of positive reinforcement from my friends and family or anyone else could change what I'd convinced myself to be true.
Even once I *did* successfully lose weight, it took a long time for those thoughts to go away and for me to get a better self image, to the point that it took me an abnormally long amount of time to realize that Jon was actually trying to pick me up and get my number when we meant. Yeah, I met him once I lost weight, but there's NO way I would have even introduced myself to him if it hadn't been for the fact that my feelings about myself had started to change. He's seen photos of me before and still thinks I'm beautiful... Clearly that wasn't the problem. It's all in our heads. Even now the negative self-talk creeps back in from time to time and I have to work to stay positive. It's something we all go through for any myriad of reasons (weight, achievement, etc etc)
Anyway, that's a round about way of saying that my lowest point was when I finally told myself I'd never find anyone who'd want to be with me and then started to plan accordingly. There's nothing worse that when you give up on yourself. Ending your own life is the most extreme manifestation of this, but there are other ways we do it all the time. Any time we say that we aren't "worthy" of something or we can't achieve something or we'd better just give up, it might not be suicide, but it surely ending any kind of growth that positive thoughts would have encouraged.
So, there you go. Day 5. Quite the personal post, I'd say. These prompts are so interesting because they really are showing me how far I've come/developed and who I am today. What are some of your lowest points?
Friday, May 27, 2011
I grew up in the same church and really came to value the community and family feeling belonging to a congregation provides. I have so many people through the church that I've known for years and have really helped me to become the person I am today.
I guess the best way to describe it would be to say that I am a pretty relaxed Christian. Since I did grow up in the church, my belief in God is an inseperable part of me and I do like to talk about all kinds of religions and beliefs, but I'll never foist mine on you. I actually am personally really bothered by that particular brand of Christianity--it's just not for me.
When I went to college, I spent my first year really involved with the Presbyterian church on campus, a decision that introduced me to one of my dearest friends. Bethany just happened to be serving as a pastor at the church and although she decided to go back to school the year after, she and I are still incredibly close. She did make me promise that I wouldn't ask her to officiate my wedding someday. ;)
In France, church-going is completely different and--I know this will come as a shock--in French. As far as my experience here is concerned, French congregations lack the community/family/welcoming feeling that I feel is SO important for churches and Christians in America. Plus they're almost exclusively Catholic, which is fine, but not really my particular cup of tea. As a result, I don't go to church here.
Jon and I have talked a decent amount about church-going and religion. Although I'm not currently a VERY active church-goer, I am glad that we have similar religious views and that he's not anti-going with me to church. When we move to Columbus, I'd really like us to try and visit some churches and hopefully find one to go to... You know, if we wake up in time on Sunday mornings. It's always good to take that time, think about your week, and to become a part of a 'family' while you're far away from yours.
Overall, my view on religion is pretty relaxed. Personally, I think it's important to have something to believe in. Even if God lets us make all our own choices and if bad things do happen and are out of his control, it's important to me to feel like he's still watching out for us and will welcome us back once our time here's over. I can't accept that we'll never see the people we love again once they're gone. In the meantime, I am just trying to live a good life and to be a good person. I think God appreciates that.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
- I'd like to think I'll probably be married 10 years from now.
- I would like to be living somewhere that makes us happy, probably Auburn, but I really just want to be happy and together, whereever that happens to be.
- 10 years from now, I'd like to already be a momma or be getting ready to be one. I mean, I'll be 32/33 10 years from now... sounds reasonable to me!
- I want to be in a house (that's mine) and settled. I'm already sick of moving all the time. I'm even more sick of not being able to live together or control that at all. At least once I move back home in June I can start acquiring things I intend to keep.
- In 10 years, I want to still be active with running, doing yoga, and hiking, etc outdoors. If I get my first half completed and like it, part of me thinks it'd be cool to try and one run in every state... or something.
- I want to have kept my weight off by living a healthy, manageable lifestyle. If I have kids 10 years from now, one of my biggest things is that I want to raise them eating healthily and being active.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
So you have an idea what all you can look forward to hearing about, here's the list:
Sunday, May 22, 2011
- My BIRTHDAY on Sunday
- 4 days in Barcelona with Rosie
- Getting off work for the Ascension and Pentecost (Secular France, what?)
- Sending in our apartment application for Columbus
- Increasing my mileage with some nice evening runs
- Enjoying the Provençal sun at beaches, parks, or even my patio :)
Friday, May 20, 2011
Quick post: My responses to last night's chat!!!
Q1: What is your best "go to" item to eat when you don't have any time to prepare something?
A banana or some other piece of fruit with yogurt. I'm really bad here in France at having to-go food in my apartment.
Q2: What do you eat for breakfast. Give at least two of your regular choices. Does it keep you full? 1) 2 weetabix with a banana, milk, and honey (sometimes PB) or 2) granola with milk and a banana.
Q3: What did you eat for lunch today? Do you eat that often? Yesterday's lunch was leftover pizza. I'm really struggling with being good while Taylor is here, but, no, I don't eat pizza for any meal that often.
Q4: What do you bring to eat when you are on a road trip? Granola, fruit, cut up veggies, whatever we can use to empty out the fridge!
Q5: If you pre cook food, what do you like to pre cook? Do you freeze it, and how often do you do this? Mostly soups and chicken breasts. I really need to do this more often, actually!
Q6: Are there any pantry items you try to always have in the house as a safety net for an empty fridge? Good grains like quinoa and brown rice, chicken broth, a few boxed soups, FiberOne bars (in America), and extra milk and cereal.
Q7 (final question): What would you like to cook, but need to learn how to? What is stopping you from doing so?
I love cooking and can't wait to get back home to my kitchen to keep trying out new recipes when I know I can find all the ingredients!!!
More later, off to the beach with Taylor!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you're new, please take a moment to answer this week's question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here and at Kenz's blog so we can all see your FMM questions and answers.
- I could strike up a conversation with a rock. Seriously, just ask my family.
- I dress pretty well. My friends always say that I have a very specific style. It can be summed up with cool jewelry and scarves.
- I keep in touch. Yes, I'm that friend who sends emails and calls periodically to check up and catch up. It's made living in France a lot easier for my friendships, THAT's for sure!
- I'm nerdy. I use big words. I like being smart (if you don't count math and science).
- I like to host. I tend to be the "mom" of the group and love having people over and cooking. It's fun and I like taking care of the people I love.